


The Truth I'll Never Tell

by MeredithBrody



Category: Designated Survivor (TV)
Genre: Bipolar Disorder, Other, Pre-Canon, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-14
Updated: 2018-08-14
Packaged: 2019-06-27 11:01:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,036
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15684096
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MeredithBrody/pseuds/MeredithBrody
Summary: Tom and Trey Kirkman had a complicated relationship. Alex tried to bridge the gap.





	The Truth I'll Never Tell

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Hideous_Sun_Demon](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hideous_Sun_Demon/gifts), [PinkAngel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/PinkAngel/gifts).



> The title and lyrics are from the song "The Truth I'll Never Tell" by As It Is from the fabulous album "The Great Depression". I strongly recommend listening to it. It's a concept album about society's romanticisation of mental health and it's well worth it. This song just seemed so much like Tom and Trey's relationship that it's been bugging me to write something since Saturday.

_**How long’s it been, it must be months** _   
_**I swear this time I meant to keep in touch** _   
_**Like always** _

Trey hadn’t always been so distant from his family and he’d never meant to be gone as long as he was but things had happened. Travelling, seeing the world, meeting pretty girls and pretty boys and trying to pretend that he wasn’t falling apart because he couldn’t live up to his expectations. Least of all had he expected to be twenty-three years old and attending his mother’s funeral. Tom wouldn’t even look at him, wouldn’t even acknowledge that he was there. Things were never that easy for him. Alex was there, her and Tom’s three-year-old sat on her knee.

Leo was considerably happier to see him. The toddler had run up to his “Unk Ay” and thrown himself into his arms. Trey hadn’t missed Tom’s glower in the background before he turned away, focusing on anyone else who had come to say goodbye to their mother.

He never had a word for Trey.

It wasn’t as though Trey had planned to be out of contact. He’d tried to stay in touch, assumed that he would but as the nights had gone on and he’d found himself immersed in whatever he was doing he’d fallen out of the habit. He didn’t really blame Tom for being angry at him. Especially as this wasn’t the first time that he’d said he’d be back soon, that he’d stay in touch. He never had the time and he didn’t really think they wanted to hear from him.

But as he spoke to Alex before leaving he promised that this time he really would stay in touch. They both knew that it probably wouldn’t happen.  

**_I’m calmly coasting off the rails_ **   
**_My teeth in battle with my fingernails_ **   
**_Like always_ **

How many times had Trey tried calling Tom now? Was it fifteen? Was it twenty? In the four years he’d been gone this time he had, for a while at least, been settled and trying to be happy. Sure, none of his relationships lasted and maybe he smoked a little too much but he was happy. Then he’d be off again, shutting himself away for days at a time, barely getting out of bed. Those were the times he wasn’t happy. Nobody questioned him, and somehow he still managed to function enough at work that he wasn’t fired. He was sure it was close on more than one occasion.

Alex was the one who pushed him to speak to someone when someone finally answered his calls. She said they couldn’t help him, he needed to help himself. Right now though that was the thing that he couldn’t do. He knew there was something wrong but he wasn’t sure he wanted to know what.

He definitely didn’t want to be put on some drug that was going to make it harder for him to enjoy himself. This wasn’t really a problem, not really. He was going to be fine if he just left it. It was just who he was and if that wasn’t good enough for his family he didn’t care.

**_I organise the kitchen shelf_ **   
**_But I’ve been dwelling on my mental health_ **   
**_Like always_ **

Trey wasn’t sure what brought Alex here. It had been over a year since he’d last tried to contact his brother and his family. Well over a year. He had no idea how long it had actually been. It had been made clear that now that they had a second child he couldn’t keep dropping in on them by surprise. She wasn’t there just for no reason, though. Old friends had called Tom, told him what was going on here and how off the rails Trey had been. She had come to tell him that Tom had been offered a job in the Presidential administration from January.

They didn’t want Trey to embarrass him.

Of course that was why she was here. She was here because he might ruin something for Tom, just like they all said he always had. Trey was almost angry about it, but to be angry he’d have to be surprised and he wasn’t at all surprised. The only thing that surprised him was that Alex was still friendly. She left a number and told him to call it. That it was someone who would help him the moment he was ready to.

Maybe it was time that he got himself under control. He was over thirty now and he didn’t know why he was still like this. Everyone else seemed to though. That was what Louise had said, wasn’t it? That his mood swings we why she couldn’t keep coming around. She had been the first girl Trey had felt anything more than indifference for in a long time, but she clearly hadn’t been able to live with him. It was worth a try, wasn’t it?

**_I’m bitter when I feel alone_ **   
**_I consciously confiscate my phone_ **   
**_It’s a small change_ **

He never called Alex’s contact and he just started to feel angry about what was going on in his life. He should be better than this now. Louise had left and his family didn’t care what happened to him. Was there even any point in him going on now. He hadn’t been able to get out of bed for almost a week and right now he thought that, maybe, dying was a better possibility.

The part of his mind that always telling him to do things, the part he could rarely ignore, took over and planned it all out. The pills were too easy to get and he always had the alcohol in his apartment. He didn’t remember much after he swallowed them and he drank as much as he could. All he could remember was deciding that he wanted to talk to his brother one last time. He wanted to say goodbye and that he was sorry.

The next thing he remembered was a terse conversation, but it was Alex’s voice. Trey wondered why she was there, shouldn’t it be Tom. There was worry in her voice, probably more than Tom would have had. “Is he going to die?”

“No. We got to him in time. You’re his next of kin, we need to notify you that we’re going to commit him as a danger to self.” He dropped out of the conversation but he knew that this was going to change things for him. He didn’t have a choice anymore.

**_And I could tell you how I’ve really been  
But would you even want to know_ **

The diagnosis came swiftly after his admission. He had bipolar disorder. One he was medicated he slowly came back to himself. He thought back over the last years and realised that he didn’t even know who he was. This new calmness that he experienced helped and he remembered everything that he had loved when he was younger. He started caring about things again and now he knew that he needed to tell people.

He didn’t want too though. Wasn’t it easier if Tom thought that he was a screw up he keep thinking that? It would keep Trey away and he wouldn’t have to worry about his career and the harm that Trey could cause. It wasn’t what Trey wanted but he was also ashamed of the person he’d been. Of course, it was the disease and he could explain that but he didn’t want to.

Nobody was going to believe that, were they? He wasn’t really sure what it was going to mean if he was suddenly seen as something different. While Trey was still desperate for Tom to be proud of him just once he didn’t think that it was going to happen. He was a big-time politician now.

**_I wish that there was more to say_ **   
**_I turn around you’re gone again_ **   
**_I know I’ll see you now and then_ **   
**_You’ll say ‘hello’ and ‘how you been’_ **   
**_I’ll say that I’m not better yet_ **

Trey looked as Alex’s name flashed up on his phone. This was the phone call, the one telling him that his brother was dead. He’d seen that there was an explosion in the Capitol building. Tom was a cabinet secretary. Trey had known what that meant and he turned off all the channels. He didn’t think that he could cope with hearing the words and he almost rejected the call. Instead, he answered it to let her know that he knew what she was going to say.

“I know what you’re going to tell me Alex. Tell me when you need me there.”

“Trey… I need you to promise me something.”

“What?”

“That you’ll try and work things out with Tom. He’s going to need you now he has all this responsibility.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Tom was the designated survivor tonight. He’s now the President.”

Those were the words that reminded Trey that he was never going to live up to Tom Kirkman, but it was time that he stopped being bitter about that. His brush with death a few years earlier had convinced him to let go of the animosity. Now Tom’s brush with death had convinced him that bitterness wasn’t the way to go either.

**_I don’t wanna bring you down_ **   
**_If I open my mouth_ **   
**_I’m only gonna bring you down_ **

Alex was dead. That was not what Trey had expected to hear. Even less than that had been getting an invitation to her funeral. Trey felt like, possibly, Alex or Eva had added him. Possibly even Leo. Tom wouldn’t have done. Tom would likely have been happier to never speak to him again now. That wasn’t what Trey had promised Alex that night almost 18-months earlier.

No matter what it took, Trey made sure that he was going to be able to do anything to make it up to his brother. This time he was going to keep going and he was going to be better. There was no reason for him to bring Tom down but it meant he was going to have to keep being medicated and doing everything he could to be healthy. He owed his brother that.

**_I feel the darkest cloud creeping in_ **   
**_I’d tell you but I wouldn’t want to bring you down_ **   
**_Bring you down_ **

Trey wanted to be there for Tom, but given everything that had gone on between them he wasn’t sure that he’d be welcome. It wasn’t at all easy for him to accept that this was his place. He was medicated. He was stable. He ran a successful business and he hadn’t been the young screw up he’d been a few years earlier. His brush with death had brought him around and now he was the brother of the President, there was nothing that could make him fade back again.

Alex had wanted them to reconcile, she’d been trying for years but the bitterness had been there on both sides. Trey had let go of his, Tom hadn’t been wrong. When he was younger Trey had, in fact, been a screw-up but that wasn’t who he was anymore. He didn’t want to only be seen as that. He wanted to be seen as someone who wanted the best for his family, his niece and nephew, the same way that Tom did.

He should come clean about his diagnosis, tell Tom how bad he got, that it was something that ran in their family, something that could one day affect either Leo or Penny, but this wasn’t the time for that. Trey was going to have to wait and hope that, in this case, his persistence would be successful and he would be able to reconcile their family rift.

Maybe he was always going to be a screw up in Tom’s eyes, but if he didn’t keep trying wasn’t Trey just confirming that he was a quitter. He wasn’t going to go down without a fight, even if that fight was with the one person in the world he least wanted to fight with. Alex’s foundation wasn’t the best place for this but it was all he had.


End file.
